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  • Writer's pictureRossana Snee

Why You Chose Him. How You Leave Him.

When it comes to human relationships, it's complicated. Very complicated. Human beings like closure. They like their shoe laces tied. And most of all, they like to master their life situations.

American lawyer, Clarence Darrow, said, "History repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history."

Not all of you have come from a family like the Brady Bunch, or the Cleavers in the show Leave it to Beaver. A lot of you may have come from verbally and physically abusive families. But in spite of the abuse, you still loved your parents; protected them, even.

In a destructive environment like an abusive family, there is often an early connection made between love and abuse. As you move into adulthood, that connection becomes quite solid. It's no surprise, then, that a toxic and abusive partner is chosen. This, of course, is all done unconsciously.

No one wants to be abused, nor does anyone choose a partner hoping that he'll abuse her. But remember, there is unfinished business. And what do human beings like to do? They like closure. They want those shoe laces tied. They want to master their life situations.

When you meet someone new, your unconscious mind is on watch. Your conscious mind, however, only sees the chocolate brown eyes, the dimple attached to that amazing smile, and the six-pack peaking through his T-shirt. Everything else is hidden. So much so, that it's almost like you're blind. You might see some signs, but they are quickly excused and discarded, like old receipts in a forgotten drawer. But why, you ask, do you suffer from temporary blindness? It's all founded on your need for a do-over. What you weren't able to fix in your family of origin, you're trying to fix with your partner. You want that closure, dammit! In order to get it, you choose someone with whom to recreate the abuse. Before you start beating yourself up and bathing yourself in guilt, remember, it's all unconscious. Your mind did not allow you to see the abuser for what he was.

By the time you do realize whom you've chosen, you're knee-dip in abuse, and it's too late for an easy out. You've been caught in the web, maybe with several kids in tow.

Unless you deal with the actual problem, which was the abuse you suffered in your family of origin, you more than likely, if you choose to leave him, jump from the frying pan into the fire. There will be another guy. Perhaps this one will be a star athlete, have emerald green eyes, and a sense of humor that keeps you laughing for hours. It's all a ruse. The truth will reveal itself. Eventually.

So what steps can you take so that you can leave your current situation and not repeat it?

1) Figure out which parent/caregiver, was the perpetrator of your abuse? Was it the alcoholic father who beat you? Was it the narcissistic mother for whom you didn't exist? Was it the uncle that snuck into your room in the middle of the night? Once you establish who the violator of your childhood was, then you will have an idea whom you've chosen.

2) Exchange your partner's face for that of your father, mother, or uncle. Remember, it is one of them that you've chosen. This will give you a perspective. You'll know exactly with whom you're dealing.

3) Once you see your abuser's face in your partner's, you can establish that they're simply a substitution, a stand-in, if you will.

In order to stop repeating history, you have to know what your history is, and that you're repeating it. Getting help from a professional is probably the best thing you could do. They can guide you through the process of healing.

You can stop the cycle, the repetition. But awareness is key. If you keep your blinders on, you'll continue to be blind.

Regain your sight and allow it to aid you in making better choices.

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