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  • Writer's pictureRossana Snee

So you'v been dumped!

It's happened to the best of us. To all of us! At one point in our lives, we'll have been left behind by someone we still love. You might:

1) Take it personally.

2) Lose your self-esteem and confidence.

3) Have an ongoing pity party.

4) Cyber stalk him/her.

5) Harbor secret feelings that he/she may see the error of their ways.

6) Think you'll never love or be loved like that again!

Wrong on all counts. Let me add here that this list is not all-inclusive, there are many things that could be added to the above, but I'm choosing the top 6.

Let's take a look at Number 1 - Taking it personally.

It's understandable how you might think it's because of something you said or did. And it might very well be, but not always. Sometimes feelings just fade. Or feelings may develop for someone else. I was married at the age of 19. Too young, I know. By the age of 25, my feelings had faded. After all, what does a teenager really know about true love? My feelings fading had nothing to do with my husband, and everything to do with me. He was and still is a great guy.

Just because someone leaves you doesn't mean you're a bad person. It could just mean you're not a good fit. No one to blame. When you go clothes shopping, you might try on several outfits, discarding 6 out 8. Not because the outfits are necessarily bad, but because they're not a good fit for you.

Unless you've cheated, forgotten to feed Fido on numerous ocassions, or spend all day watching TV and eating junk food, you're just not a good fit. Guess what? That means your perfect fit is still out there. Waiting... Don't take it personally.

Number 2 - Where's your self-esteem?

If you've been enjoying a good dose of self-esteem because of your partner, there's a problem here. No one, absolutely no one, should be responsible for feeding your self-esteem. That's on you and you alone. If you're thinking he/she took your self-esteem with them when they left, I have never had it to begin with.

Self-esteem is something quite personal. You can only develop it by the things you accomplish on a regular basis, not by someone paying you compliments or loving you. No one can take it with them. So it's up to you to work on your self-esteem.

Number 3 - Pity Party Much?

It hurts to be left behind. I get it. I've experienced it myself. Whining, crying, and eating bonbons, isn't going to make the yucky feelings go away. Actually, it will just make everything worse. I understand the need to talk about it. And you can. I'm not saying don't ever talk about your feelings. What I am saying is not to talk about it incessantly. That will eventually drive your family and friends crazy. You did have a life before this person came around, didn't you? Maybe it's time rediscover that life again. Rediscover yourself! You're in there.

Feeling sorry for yourself can cause you to second guess yourself and lose perspective on reality. You might even let yourself go. Resist the temptation. This is the time to put yourself together. Prove you're more than someone who's been scorned, left angry, and miserable. Don't give your ex the satisfaction. You know what they say, "The greatest revenge is a life well lived."

Number 4 - Cyber Stalking?

Don't be one of those people! It will come to nothing good. You'll will see things you don't want to see; things that will make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need that in your life. If you've been dumped, then so be it. Time to move on. Cyber stalking your ex will just delay the healing process. What could you possibly find out that will be helpful? I say, NOTHING! Delete him/her from all your social media accounts. It will be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Number 5 - Holding on to hope?

If you're hoping against all odds that your ex will see the error of his or her ways, you might be waiting a long time. Often, the break up has been coming on for a while, with one or both parties avoiding the situation at hand. Break ups are not an overnight thing. They're in the works long before the person says, "Enough is enough. I'm out of here."

You need to start moving on with your life. It could be that there might be a reconciliation in the future. I've seen that happen. And it has worked. But in most cases, there is no reconciliation. When it's over, it's over.

Again, time to move on with your life. Put the fire out, and rebuild. In most cases, things get better, and lives go on a path never expected, but better than expected.

Number 6 - Your only love?

Hardly! You've heard the expression, "There's plenty of fish in the sea?" It's true! There's plenty of everything--in the stores, the gyms, the Meet-ups, the hiking groups, etc. People are everywhere. And people want to connect, so the chances of you finding someone else is pretty damn high. Hang in there. Go through the grieving process, then go out into the world. You will be loved again. But that's really up to you. And if you're thinking you'll never be loved like that again, think twice. He/she left you, right? So, how much could they really have loved you?

In conclusion, being dumped is painful. No argument there. But:

* It's not the end of the world. The sun will come up tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. (Gotta love Annie! Very optimistic little girl).

* It's not necessarily because of who you are as a person. There are many different reasons why people end relationships. Change of heart, discovering that you're both not on the same page, wanting different things, etc. That's why people date to begin with--to discover these things.

* Set goals for yourself to accomplish things that will help you grow, move you forward in life. Watch your self-esteem soar.

* Don't feel sorry for yourself. You're still great. Someone leaving you doesn't change that. It only changes your relationship status, not the core of who you are.

* Put the relationship into your archives. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him/her. Don't keep taps on them. They don't want you, remember? Why try to stay current on their lives? Stay current on yours and work to make your life excellent.

* Let go. It's over. Take some time to mourn your loss, and remember, there's a reason you're not together. Probably a really good reason. Keep that in mind.

* Love is out there. Make sure you love yourself first, however. That will make it a lot easier to meet someone else that can be a loving partner, a better fit!

You will be OK! Probably better than OK. Trust me. It takes time. But one thing about time, it always passes, never stands still.

Be patient! And remember, no matter what, you are loved by the people who know you and want you in their lives! The rest have no place in your life.

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