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  • Writer's pictureRossana Snee

"Help! I Can't Get Over My Ex!

Are you having problems getting over your Ex?

Your relationship is over!

All hopes of RECONCILIATION are done!

All COMMUNICATION has ceased!

And yet you persist in holding on ...

There are possible reasons for this:

1) You think you'll never find someone like him/her again!

Did you ever think that shouldn't find someone like them again; perhaps the person to find is the one that's better suited to you. There is a reason you broke up. Holding on to the fantasy of what could have been if you'd stayed together, is a waste of time because it is only a fantasy.

2) Memories of the GOOD TIMES create a false image in your mind.

It’s easy to remember the happy times, to ignore the reasons why you broke-up in the first place. Relationships are rarely all good, or all bad; hence why it's hard to let go. But you need to remember the hurtful things that took place; this makes it more real, and adds validity as to why the relationship ended.

3) If the love was deep, there is a tendency to remain very attached, especially for women. There is always that hope...

I've known women who hold on no matter how bad the relationship was, or how badly they were treated. They tell me, "I love him so much." When I ask why, they can't answer the question. Staying attached to someone that hurts you is illogical. Figure out why you're holding on.

4) There is a part of you that bargains.

“Well, if I changed, s/he would want me back.” Or, “If I give him/her enough time, they will change.” This rarely happens. It's not that easy for people to make true lasting change. Try changing yourself and let me know how that works out for you.

5) It’s hard to let go of someone who is still alive and kicking.

Sometimes it’s easier to let go of someone who died. But when you know the person is still around, possibly dating someone else, it's easy to cyber stalk them; see what they're doing, who they're dating, etc. The temptation is always there taunting you.

6) You may still want ANSWERS!

Maybe the breakup was sudden. You were blindsided. If you never received real answers as to why the relationship ended, your curiosity may keep you holding on.

7) You may still harbor angry feelings!

Perhaps you feel your partner didn't try hard enough to keep the relationship together; or broke up with you via text, or you heard him talking to an Ex, and by God you're angry. "How could they?" There may be a part of you that wants revenge.

8) Your EGO took a bad beating.

Being rejected is not easy. As a matter of fact, it's right down painful. I've heard many people tell me how after their Ex broke up with them, they lost all confidence and self-esteem. They start second-guessing their worth. The truth is that people break up for many reasons and it may have nothing to do with you. Your worth, however, remains intact.

9) You may never have been dumped before.

Your first break up can feel huge. It you've never experienced it before, it can feel like the end of the world. It's important to take time to lick your wounds. You'll be OK.

How to LET GO!

1) Grieve.

This is an important step because it is similar to a death. You have to process the loss, how it affects you, and what it means for your new life without that partner. Typically, it takes half the time of the time you were with the person, to start to feel better. So if you dated for a year, plan on six months of feeling meh!

2) Start loving yourself.

This is the time to reconnect with yourself. While you were dating did you give up any part of yourself? Did you stop seeing your friends? Now is a wonderful time to start socializing with them. They can provide support, and you are in essence giving yourself love by taking that in. Just because you were rejected, doesn't mean you reject yourself. That's like adding insult to injury.

3) Have FAITH.

He/she is not the last person on earth for you. Be open to new love. Yes, you'll grieve the partner that's no longer there, but there are millions of people in the world. Who were you before that person came into your life? You met him/her, you will meet someone else.

4) Revisit the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

There were reasons. Don't ignore them. They will remind you of why you should stay apart instead of finding ways to get back together.

5) Recognize that it wasn’t a good fit.

It may not have had anything to do with you personally. Sometimes people just don't jive. And even though you want the relationship to work, it just doesn't.

6) Make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship.

In moments of weakness, review the list. You might be focused only on the good times you had, which is common. Remind yourself of the things that were wrong; the things that hurt you.

7) Write a goodbye letter.

That helps with closure. You don't have to send the letter. It can be written and burned, if necessary. But just get all your feelings out. This will help seal the breakup.

8) Get rid of all his/her things.

There is no point in torturing yourself by keeping their belongings around. Return them. Or leave them outside to be picked up if you don't want to face your Ex.

9) Don’t Cyber stalk him/her.

This is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Why keep track of someone who doesn't want you in their lives. It no longer matters who they're dating, or at what restaurant they're eating. They want to move on. Let them. Do the same.

10) If you co-habited, rearrange your furniture, make your space your own.

Sometimes sprucing things up a bit, changing things around, can make you feel better. Make your space your own; a place with the things you love, the things that make you feel comfy.

11) Remember, the idea of a Perfect Relationship is often better than the reality of it.

Anything can be attributed to a relationship that doesn't go all the way. Reality shows you a different thing altogether. It's easy for your mind to create outcomes, favorable ones. Stick to the facts.

Your life will not end because your relationship is over. Look at it as the beginning to a new life. If it ended, it wasn't right. Now you get to start over. You've learned things along the way; apply them to the next relationship.

When the right one comes around, you'll know, because it will make it to the finish line your life!

TikTok @ExprezzTherapy

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